A Diamond Jubilee, then. Whilst it will all probably boil down to a performance of ‘She’s Like The Wind’ (or something) from Coldplay (or someone) on the Thames, the extra time off work afforded by the whole affair is a thoroughly golden opportunity. To explore the alternatives.
Regardless of your feelings on the monarchy, they very rarely crop up in electronic entertainment form. Largely, we feel, because we’ve got our own set of royals. Here’s a top five breakdown of who we feel should be sat in the big white building at the top of Constitution Hill.
5. The Prince
(Prince Of Persia)
The key outstanding element of POP’s make up is, arguably, his ability to dazzle with his high-flying, acrobatical shenanigans. It would liven up any given regal ceremony, if just one of the Queen’s crew were to suddenly pull off a side aerial tuck with a semi-layout on the lawn somewhere. Even if it was one of the corgis. Hell, especially if it was one of the corgis.
Where you’ve got to be careful with Persia’s Prince, though, is which one you end up with. There have been several iterations, with varying degrees of tolerability. Will you get the original – an animated character and a couple of years ahead of his time, but a little muted and hard work to go down the pub with? Or do you find yourself in the company of the world-weary, five o’clock-shadowed moody one, with but nary a snarled grunt as you graciously top his Guinness up?
With any luck, you’ll land the 2003 incarnation of the Prince. Witty repartee, a no doubt insatiable appetite for fine wine and the fairer sex, and all round likeable chap.
Crono’s feisty cohort Marle (Princess Nadia) escapes the dull confines of her palatial, castle-dwelling existence and into a temporal, thrill-a-minute adventure. Whilst her perky and inquisitive spirit led her out of the castle, it was her fearless nature that led to the technical mishap that flung her through time.
Though Crono valiantly recreates the series of events in order to rescue Marle from the annals of time, upon finding her, it is more than evident that she is no damsel in distress. Instead, armed with a crossbow, she throws herself into the moment with gutsy aplomb and a no doubt plummy-gobbed accent; this is where most of us found Lara Croft’s charms, right? Right.
3. Fat Princess
There’s a refreshing honesty and an interesting philosophical inquiry to the fat princess; if you were royalty and could get away with lounging about eating cakes all day, would you? Certain feminist types called the titular lady into question, citing her an example of “splendiferous retrof*ck jackholery,” which is missing the point a little. Maybe.
Anyway, whether or not the adage of men preferring ‘real women’ holds water or not (is it just that there are more of them out here?), the fact remains that this member of whatever royal family she belongs to will be happier to stay in with a Blu-ray of Starship Troopers and a bag of Kettle Chips than being off waving at the great unwashed.
2. The King Of Red Lions
(The Legend Of Zelda: The Wind Waker)
Link’s companion for the majority of LOZ: Wind Waker displays that most elusive of traits when it comes to the reigning class: a functional purpose.
Whilst most royals will float on water, given their gaseous content, The King Of Red Lions will do so with conviction, purpose and a booming, Brian Blessed-esque voice—we’re assuming; he only gets a subtitled representation here—not to mention his fantastic dragon beard thing.
Perhaps most likeable of all about TKORL is his ability to not outstay his welcome. Once the job is done, The King’ll take his leave, never to bore you again. It is an admirable personality quirk and one that most people, never mind royalty, should try to work into their everyday behaviours.
1. King Of All Cosmos
Katamari Damacy’s King Of All Cosmos takes the first place ribbon for, amongst other reasons, simply getting away with it.
Children’s social services would surely have a bit to say on his constant and belittling psychological cruelty to his son—The Prince—with regards his diminutive stature, whilst no-one could ignore the negative impact his drinking has on the whole galaxy. Sure, everyone’s dad can kick back with a few tins of Kestrel come a Friday evening. The worst that tends to happen is a few broken plates, if it even does hit the fan. When The King gets juiced, he destroys the stars. All of them.
His exuberant charm and charisma allows for this kind of shocking behaviour, though, as is evidenced by the remaining presence of the (and we’re invoking the Jessica Rabbit clause, here) beautiful Queen of all Cosmos. Nothing else can explain her continued presence. Can it..?
Not to mention his penchant for tight leggings – a feat not pulled off since David Bowie’s performance as Jareth the Goblin King; the fact that he’s also an amateur boxer; and that, deep down, his abuse of The Prince is borne of love and a desire to see him do well. Oh, and he keeps an active Twitter account, too.
King of all Cosmos? We kneel before you.